Describe joy

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because the reality is finally better than your dreams.”

― Dr. Seuss

                There is no doubt that the amount of sadness I experienced in my life never fails to outweigh the amount of joy I received in my life. I’m pretty sure dealing with multiple suicide attempts, family conflicts, and breakups will change my outlook on joy. At one point, I wondered in the darkest hour of my life if it was technically possible for me to experience them again? As time passes, I eventually realized it is possible for me to experience joy again and I am glad I have the luxury to feel this way again.

                So if I could turn back time to see my younger self, I would’ve given her a high five. I felt really proud that she didn’t give up on life even though she almost surrendered herself multiple times. There were moments that was hard for her and I totally understand that because I was her a year ago living in the shadows of my miserable exes and pressure of my parents. If she wasn’t there to stay strong, I won’t have the chance to experience the joy I am experiencing right now.

                For me, joy is reminiscent of a scar. I know scars are usually associated with pain and sadness but in this case, it doesn’t associate with that at all. It’s like a bubbly overwhelming happy feeling that makes you feel as if you’ve conquered the world. It’s as if everything was perfect and nothing could break you down and burn you into ashes. That is joy.

                Joy is when you proved everyone that they’re wrong. Literally, everyone around me thought that I was the stupid one in the family. I mean they underestimate me so much that it makes me feel insecure with what I have. I remember I proved them wrong when I receive straight A’s in a row for every important exam. The horror in their eyes when I came back home with my good results. I mean they tried to bring me down a lot of times by making comments like regarding on my weight, my skin or even how I stood. Still, I made a point on how those could be solved easily and good results only comes with good brains which apparently they’re not blessed with. That’s really the best.

                Another time I felt joy is when you have unlimited books to read. Anyone who’s acquainted with me knows that I love books. One day, my dad surprised my family to a book fair that is held annually called big bad wolf. It’s really a good opportunity for me to hog all the good books that are on sale. It was really cheap too like RM 5 for a good piece of the book. I’m pretty sure from one sale I’ve bought like 10 books for less than RM100. The smile on my face on that day after hogging all the book was priceless.

                Secondary school is one of the prime moments of my life that will shape my personality and overlook on the world. There was a moment when I felt true joy with my best friend. It was during my final year before things went rocky, I spent so much time with her by going to her house. We would talk about our future, dreams and of course, games. We planned our activities after exams together so at least one of us wouldn’t die out of boredom. There was so much happiness at that time until one day she decides to leave. I thought I lost a part of myself on that day and it is really depressing because after all we’ve been friends for 9 years. It isn’t easy to maintain a friendship that long. It’s okay though we made up like 3 months later. That would also be one of the happiest moment of my life.  

                   I remember feeling overjoyed when I meet him for the first time in months. I’ve never thought I could meet him again after he went back. I felt lucky that it happened to me. I remember I had to stop at the toilet because I was so nervous meeting him for the first time since my exam started. Regardless of that, I went straight to him with a poker face acting as if I am really cool about meeting him and treating as if it is nothing. On the inside, I feel like I want to run away to my pillow and scream. I want to jump around and giggle uncontrollably. I want to hug him and tell him how much I’ve been wanting to do that for months. Of course, I am not built like that so a poker face would do hopefully.

                There was another time I could feel joy. I felt joy when we were on the bed, skin to skin with his arms wrapped around me and I could listen to his heavy breathing on my neck. I would sometimes turn around to look at him. Tracing my delicate fingers on his sleepy face lovingly. I couldn’t help but feel lucky at that moment. It was that kind of love that I never knew existed in my life. How joyful is it that someone as broken as I am would have the chance to feel this way again…

                Joy is a deeper level of happiness where we don’t usually experience it. Like so many people in the world, I can count on my fingers the many times I felt joy. I have come to appreciate the joy that have come to me in my life from time to time though I don’t remember it as much but I’m pretty sure it etched itself somewhere in my mind.

               

                

                

Describe the word night.

Night is the domain of all that humans find mysterious, foreboding and evil. The natural darkness where all things unseen thrive on the imagination of our minds. Much can be written about this time, but a perhaps different perspective can be garnered from linking two common aspects of humanity; the presence of the sun, and the presence of wealth.

Night is the ultimate division between the rich and the poor. For the very poor, night represents a period of rest but also of insecurity. Light is not abundant and little can be done with poor lighting. Night represents unease as poor shelter and security lend itself to crimes against the vulnerable. Night is a time of inaction where little can be done to feed mouths or to conduct trade.

For the working class, night represents a time of envy. The vast majority of jobs that begin early in the day are unskilled and skilled labour; they cannot largely be enjoyed as sleep is necessary to wake early for work. The poor often live further away from their jobs with longer commutes; the day is spent toiling in paid labour, and the night remains short, welcoming them home but allowing few moments to spend with loved ones. Alternatively, the night represents a time of work. Working for those who are able to afford to enjoy it. Night shift jobs are taken largely by those needing more money to push their living standards to one they strive to achieve.

For the rich, night represents a time of excess. The night stretches for as long as they desire. The night is filled with enjoyable activities that those with free time and money can enjoy. The night represents the excesses of partying, of recreational drug use, of free flowing alcohol. It represents drunken hijinks, one night stands, blaring music. It also represents another face - a face so vastly different often from the daytime; the make-up and dressing up to physically transform oneself to impress themselves and others; the donning of the night personality of exuberance and almost artificial happiness, the mindset of respect towards hedonism.

Rich are those who can spend the night whittling time for short-lived pleasures and can spend the day after in recuperation. Materially rich - they may not realise it, or complain their bank accounts are a few zeroes too short to be considered actually rich - but they have no significant burdens to be truly poor. They have no jobs to work at the day after; no dependents that need them to return home to care for; no pursuits, no studies, that they need to spend the night for to better themselves and thus their families or communities.

For the rich that do not spend their nights as such, it still represents a luxury that many people in the world cannot have. The nights at home in winter, cuddling up to a loved one whilst the heater runs and long-haired textiles comfort your warm bodies. The nights in a hotel room, enjoying a view or watching the television, or reading a good book with a glass of your desired drink.

It is not about feeling guilty about taking advantage of the night, though. It is merely just a recognition, a reflection, an introspection on how people from different walks of life may view the night.  The night brings with it a certain joy for me. A calm serenity of quietness that descends as the hours tick through and the moonlight flimsily enters my bedroom. The glow of my laptop feels comforting as I read, write, and think. I certainly have been raised privileged, have been raised to feel the night is an ally, not an enemy. That the night is a time of comfort and peace, rather than a time of concern and deceit. I am truly a night owl, and I recognise the circumstances that have enabled me to enjoy the night, as many of us do. It is a privilege.

What motivates me?

I find that two things makes me get out of bed, excited for the day. I get super motivated and am prepared to devote all my time and energy into those endeavours. Unfortunately these areas don't really make up a large chunk of my current life so it becomes a constant effort to identify activities, careers and interests that are both consistent with my value system and self-motivating.

The first type are activities that are interactive or social requiring focus or devoted attention to. These activities are self motivating, they generate a state of flow that is enjoyable. Programming code, working on a project, playing games with others, developing bonds with people that matter to me whether on a professional or personal level. Preparing for these events are far less motivating but during the event or activity the energy generated by these situations motivates me strongly to continue.

The second type are activities that I can see the big picture in. I'm a systems thinker, constantly looking for ways to improve myself but also the community around me. Big picture things like research, education, long-term relationships, businesses, projects. These motivate me as they strike my inner core desires of building up a legacy, something that will mean much to other people.

These summarise the main ways to motivate me. Get me interested in something exciting and interesting in itself, or get me envisioning the future big picture of a project and how to make systemic change, and I become as motivated as anyone else. Find me something with dreary details and finicky points, and I become demotivated as quickly as a balloon meets a pin.

What Are You Listening to and how do you feel about the song?

“Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.” 
― Victor Hugo, Hugo's Works: William Shakespeare

                Music keeps me company on lonely nights and through the lyric that has been sung, it speaks my heart out in a way they couldn’t understand. It feels like I am speaking a secret language as no one could really understand why I am listening to that particular song. Usually the songs that I listen to fits my emotions like a missing jigsaw puzzle, but still, there's a possibility the lyric can have two meanings. Well, the song that I am currently listening to right now is Shiver by Lucy Rose.

                Shiver is a song categorized as indie folk which is also one of my favorite genres. I listen to many artists who produced indie folk music from Mindy Gledhill, Lucy Rose to Hurt and Daughter. Well, I still prefer Shiver because it’s the only song that could describe my feelings. The song is about how she wish she could change the circumstances right now to be with the one who got away and how she longed to feel the shivers in her spine from being with him.

                Still, I didn't listen to that song because I miss someone from the past. I’m listening to that song because I longed to be with someone that I know I can’t be with right now. It’s a pretty sad reality that I know I can’t escape but I like it how the song describe my emotion when she sang ‘And I loved the way you looked at me and I miss the way you made me feel when we were alone’. I guess it’s true because I miss how we locked each other eyes when we were alone and felt that everything was right even though what lies in my heart was a  massive hurricane of doubts destroying what could’ve been a precious moment to me.

                Doubt is a thief of love and it steals away everything considered precious to you. I guess I doubt him and his intention because there is a lot at stake and I wonder if it’s worth the gamble. There was a part of the song where she sang about doubt ‘And we stole every moment we had to make the other one feel bad and we hoped that we could be what we knew. It never turns out to be real’. She sang about her doubts on her lover which created conflict for them and instead of creating good memories together, it created bad ones instead. This is what happened to me instead but I wonder if I could avoid this…

                Then Lucy Rose sang ‘And if we turn back time could we learn to live right’ which made me regret not appreciating the moment that we have together when he was here. If I could turn back time, I would tell myself to forget about the doubts I had when we were together. Maybe things could’ve been better. Maybe I would’ve been happier right now. Maybe I would know what to do then to make things right. Just maybe… Still, I wouldn’t have known about this and the only way to express this regret is from Lucy Rose singing. The tone of regret in her voice is enough to voice out my regret to the world.

                I guess this is the song of my summer since I have been listening to it daily and fingers crossed I can remember the lyrics well. I wished more people would appreciate her works because really, indie folk isn't that bad. They’re not like the generic pop song Taylor Swift produced ( no shade on Miss Taylor Swift) but still, indie folk songs sounds more honest. Again it’s just music meant to be enjoyed by everyone else.

What Superpower Do You Wish You Had?

“To them, as to Magnus, time was like rain, glittering as it fell, changing the world, but something that could also be taken for granted.

Until you loved a mortal. Then time became gold in a miser's hands, every bright year counted out carefully, infinitely precious, and each one slipping through your fingers.”

― Cassandra Clare, The Bane Chronicles

                As a human being, we’re bound to make mistake. Sometimes the mistakes we make will lead to regrets and often, regrets will continue to haunt us until the end of time. In my case, I am constantly continued to be haunted by the mistakes of my past. Because of that, I ask myself daily ‘what if I could turn back time and make things better? Could’ve been different?’ This is why I wish I had a superpower that would allow me to time travel.

                I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger. I didn’t put much thought to my actions as I was very impulsive and reckless. I got so hurt so many times due to this and I don’t think I will learn from my mistakes. It would take me a few months to realize it and by then the damage would’ve been done. I couldn’t change anything by then. So if I have the power to turn back time, I would do anything in my power to set things right. I will do this countless times until I receive the outcome that I want.

                From time travelling, I am able to learn more about the past in much greater detail compared to the once we have to learn from the textbook. Which in the case of Malaysia, the textbook or basically most of the history reference books aren’t true or there is no evidence that incident actually happened in the past. I’m pretty sure I’ll find the people of the past interesting like it would be awesome to meet William Shakespeare in person or setting my eyes on the handsome Hugh Clifford which I’ve been fancying secretly. It would also be an awesome opportunity for me to take items of the past and sell it at a higher price in the future. I’m pretty collectors would fancy items like cash, coins, stamps or even jewellery if I’m lucky enough. The royals of the past are pretty wasteful anyway as they tend to sell their jewellery at a lower price even though it cost more than it should. This would probably make me a millionaire in no time thanks to this superpower.

                When we’re in love, time seems to move faster than it should especially when you ended up getting heartbroken. It’s not that I want to set things right between me and my past lovers. I know it would be tempting to change it and make it better but it’s not a wise choice for me. It’s just that it would be a good time for me to relive the happy moments when we were together… when we were happier of course. It would cure away the longing, the ache and the sadness even though I already know the outcome of the relationship. For some people, it might sound stupid to be stuck in the past but if only they knew the pain of loving someone who eventually became a stranger. Those times we had would then be precious. Precious enough for me to visit the people of the past and live forever in their heart.

                The power to time travel would be the most luxurious superpower I could ever have. It’s not that it would damage anyone or basically anything physically but it’s more like I have the power to shape earth and its surrounding. I am pretty sure it would grant immortality as I could avoid death by changing the timeline. But sadly such things while potentially possible are immensely improbable. I guess this is why the power to time travel doesn’t exist. I would not probably appreciate how precious the moments in my life are and I would most likely be obsessed with the past to make things right rather than learning from it…

What Is Your Personal Credo?

Maximise Return on Investment.

Human life is unfortunately too short, even in Western societies with good healthcare, sanitation and access to opportunities, to consider anything other than maximising the time we have present. Where we cannot see the future, what remains are the decisions we make and how we make them. I maximise return on investment by making decisions based on several principles.

Firstly, knowing my values. These are a compass guiding my life, providing the direction of the decision and ensuring my decisions form a coherent and cohesive unit of mental processes that culminate in positive outcomes. My values include generosity towards others, adventure, social influence, self-development, and integrity. Decisions are aligned to these values and so hopefully would maximise return on investment by focused attention. This is important because the concept of return and investment is fluid; return could include financial returns, status, friendships, relationships, or social good, whilst investment could be of time, money, relationships, and reputation.

Secondly, knowing my strengths. These help guide me towards decisions that leverage my inbuilt strengths. Leveraging natural strengths helps maximise return on investment since the processes will be much easier to achieve and continue working on. My strengths include written and verbal communication, logic and analysis, introspection, and information synthesis. Choosing career paths, types of financial investments to make, books to read, interests to pursue - these are areas by which choosing my strengths will increase return on investment of time and money. Don't know your strengths? Personality tests such as the MBTI, career direction tests such as the RIASEC, and looking back at what you naturally excelled at provides you with a good picture.

Thirdly, knowing my weaknesses. These help guide me towards making decisions that outsource my weaknesses or find ways to compensate for them, in order to focus energy on strengths. This maximises time available for pursuing the paths that have high return. My weaknesses include attention to finicky details, following up, scheduling and organising. Addressing weaknesses through means such as using electronic personal assistants and organisers, and delegating and outsourcing to other people or applications, allows maximal return on investment. Know your weaknesses by considering times when you've failed a project or didn't do as well as you could, and understanding why they occurred.

Finally, being principled in carrying out decisions. Procrastination is a weakness for many but deserves a whole point of its own; methods include changing the physical setting of where you carry out said decisions (such as an office instead of on the bedroom desk), using an accountability partner (a close friend, partner, or other confidant), and ensuring that the decisions you are making actually align with your true values (as procrastination may be resistance of poor decisions in disguise) are ways to be principled and disciplined in carrying out your goals and dreams.

Life is about finding purpose and meaning in it, through whatever means you can find. Maximising what you can achieve with the time you have, the main investment, is critically important to finding that purpose. Living life without goals or loose ideas is a challenging concept for me and one that I believe only a small minority of people would benefit from; the vast majority of us can achieve our potentials through discipline and focus. The ultimate reward and return is a life fully lived, with no regrets and a satisfaction towards family, friends and community.

Direction Determines Desire

I aim to live guided by my values, what I hold most dear to heart. These values include the need for strong social bonds with family and friends, social conscientiousness, freedom of expression and speech, creativity and ingenuity, knowledge and wisdom. A number of life choices can thus fulfill some of these criteria. In this way, oftentimes it is the direction of choice you pick that determines what you actually desire for, since what you truly desire is rather more abstract.

Take for instance the choice of career - one that often is made within a period of months, during a time of mental, physical, and social development, with limited information, and biased advisors. Everything comes together to ensure your choice of career is as short-sighted and uninformed as possible. Nonetheless, a good proportion of people who have a choice of career will study, graduate, then practice in their chosen career and end up quite satisfied. A greater proportion of people have second thoughts and choose to change their career.

The problem is that often times the career choice is not necessarily the goal one should seek. Many of the values one holds dear can be fulfilling in many career paths; of course unfortunately this may not be easily the case - for instance, investment banking and social conscientiousness, or nursing and adventure. It is possible to shoehorn your values into these careers but this can feel sub-optimal.

However, consider carefully the career change if there are options in your career to live out your values that one has not fully explored, and perhaps instead consider a career pivot, with one foot remaining still and the other moving. Taking the practice of law for instance. Creativity and ingenuity can come through the work of innovation policy and legal entrepreneurship. Freedom of expression and speech could be parlayed into legal journalism. Adventure could be parlayed into international law. Or the practice of medicine. Focused problem solving could be found in anaesthetics or neurology. Creativity could be found in contributing to assistive and other medical technology, running clinical trials, in public health and policy. Take the practice of computer science. Social conscientiousness could come from innovative development to disrupt industries.

Upon settling on this career pivot, one may sense in actual fact a deep desire to pursue this new direction. It certainly feels like a refreshing path and better yet, utilises the skills and knowledge garnered through practicing the field. It is the most optimal direction to take, and desire reflects this as one intuitively knows this is true.

If you cannot see a fulfilling path, indeed the best option may very well be to cut loose and live your life holistically, integrating as best as possible your life's work with your life's values. Often times though we just haven't thought about it deeply enough, and the want to escape a dead career and rethink can be ephemeral and cost dearly in both time and money when instead it may have simply been burnout and one needed a rest and refocusing of their life's values and work.